Wow! I Didn't Expect That To Happen!

So, last weekend was my mom and dad's 50th class reunion. I remember reading something about it in the paper, but forgot (probably because neither one of them was here to go). I was sitting on the couch reading when there was a knock at the door. One of the wives of a classmate of my parents was at the door. The reunion committee made little bouquets for the classmates that have died. She handed me to small coke bottles (Which is so cool because my mom was addicted to coke. I don't think she was ever without a can of coke or a cigarette!) with a small arrangement of carnations inside. Tied around the bottle was a card that said 'In memory of" with their senior class picture and then the dates of their birth and death.

When she handed them to me, I didn't expect the emotions to come flooding in, but oh boy did they ever! I started to cry when I looked at them, gave her a hug and thanked her for bringing them to me. All of a sudden, this sense of sadness and extreme loss overwhelmed me. You see, I have been mourning my dad for over a year now and my sadness over the loss of my mom has kind of been placed on the back burner. Not that I forgot about her or anything, but a new sense of grief has in a way taken over. At that moment, it was like a crashing wave hit me and knocked me over. "Oh my God! I miss her so much!" I had buried that pain away and was dealing with a new one. In that moment, all of the grief, sorrow, heartache and devastation came flooding back into my mind. It was if I was right there in that awful time back in November of 2005 when my whole world came crashing down around me. Needless to say, I have been quite emotional the last couple of days.

I refuse to wallow in self pity. I can hear my mother now. "Get off your ass! Do something productive. I raised you to be strong! A pity party never works. It just makes you feel worse and it makes everyone around you want to kick your ass. Nobody likes a whiner!"

Okay mom, you win! I am off to do something productive with my day. I love you and miss you more than I could ever express in words. You are always with me and I can move forward because I know that we will see each other again. Until then, I will hold you in my heart. Oh and save a Diet Pepsi for me okay? You know I always thought coke tasted like shit!