Wow! I Didn't Expect That To Happen!

So, last weekend was my mom and dad's 50th class reunion. I remember reading something about it in the paper, but forgot (probably because neither one of them was here to go). I was sitting on the couch reading when there was a knock at the door. One of the wives of a classmate of my parents was at the door. The reunion committee made little bouquets for the classmates that have died. She handed me to small coke bottles (Which is so cool because my mom was addicted to coke. I don't think she was ever without a can of coke or a cigarette!) with a small arrangement of carnations inside. Tied around the bottle was a card that said 'In memory of" with their senior class picture and then the dates of their birth and death.

When she handed them to me, I didn't expect the emotions to come flooding in, but oh boy did they ever! I started to cry when I looked at them, gave her a hug and thanked her for bringing them to me. All of a sudden, this sense of sadness and extreme loss overwhelmed me. You see, I have been mourning my dad for over a year now and my sadness over the loss of my mom has kind of been placed on the back burner. Not that I forgot about her or anything, but a new sense of grief has in a way taken over. At that moment, it was like a crashing wave hit me and knocked me over. "Oh my God! I miss her so much!" I had buried that pain away and was dealing with a new one. In that moment, all of the grief, sorrow, heartache and devastation came flooding back into my mind. It was if I was right there in that awful time back in November of 2005 when my whole world came crashing down around me. Needless to say, I have been quite emotional the last couple of days.

I refuse to wallow in self pity. I can hear my mother now. "Get off your ass! Do something productive. I raised you to be strong! A pity party never works. It just makes you feel worse and it makes everyone around you want to kick your ass. Nobody likes a whiner!"

Okay mom, you win! I am off to do something productive with my day. I love you and miss you more than I could ever express in words. You are always with me and I can move forward because I know that we will see each other again. Until then, I will hold you in my heart. Oh and save a Diet Pepsi for me okay? You know I always thought coke tasted like shit!

Rant of the Day: Park City, Land of Idiots!

Park City!!! Land of idiots!

So, yesterday I took 3 of my children to Park City to do a little school shopping. It was actually kind of a bust, but I did manage to get Sam's shopping done except for his shoes. Anyway, it was crowded and hot. I am always amazed at how rude people are when I go to Utah. Now don't even start with me about slamming people from Utah. I am sure people are rude everywhere. I go to Utah, therefore I experience first hand the rudeness of some of the people in Utah. If I went to Missouri, I would comment on their attitudes, but since I shop in Utah, I comment about them. So, if you are from Utah, stop reading now because I am about to SLAM Park City and the people that were there on Thursday August 4th. As I have stated before, this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. If you don't like it then don't read it.

As I was saying, yesterday we hopped in the car and went to Park City to get some shopping done. We started our little adventure at TJ Maxx. Now I love TJ Maxx for the prices, but I HATE having to search through the racks. I am probably the most impatient person I know. I don't really know what happened to me in the last 6 years. I used to LOVE to shop! I remember shopping with my mom. We would shop for hours upon hours, store after store; we could sense a bargain from miles away and swoop in, attack the hell out of it and re-surface with some great finds! When she died, it was like my love for shopping went right along with her. I don't really enjoy it much anymore which is sad because my daughter is kind of missing out.

TJ Maxx...Sam found some pants and shirts, so for him it was a success! Right next door to Smith's is Michael's. Now for those of you who do not know what Michael's is, it is a crafty person's paradise! I went into Michael's because I was trying to find some paper cut outs of flip flops. I have decided to change the whole theme of my classroom this year. Last year was super shitty, so I have decided to start completely fresh...new theme! So, I decided to go with the beach, after all I am a California girl. I haven't lived in CA in 17 1/2 years, but deep down, she is still there. I remember her. The blond (yes I was blondish), tanned girl who never wanted to leave, who knew that CA was the best place on earth and that if you didn't live there, somehow your life was lacking. Funny what happens when we grow up and mature huh? Anyway, do you think I could find paper cutouts of flip flops? NO NO NO NO NO!!! The cute little sales girl who was helping me finally says, "You know what you could do? Buy some foam, cut them out, use some ribbons for the straps...you could totally make your own!" The excitement in her voice over foam flip flops was a little sickening! I set out to find foam because right about now I'm a little discouraged knowing I am never going to find what I want. The whole time I am thinking to myself, "Who the hell do I look like? Martha-freakin-Stewart? I don't have time for this shit! I still have 16 chair pockets to finish! Anyway, I bought the foam and ribbon and then informed Gabby and Sam that they would be making flip flops this weekend! Here it comes, here it comes...the whining..."Why do we have to do it?"
"Because I gave birth to you, therefore I own you and you will do as I say! Why do you think I had children? Someone has to do the dishes, pick up dog poop, vacuum and make foam flip flops!"

Keep in mind, we are only about an hour into this shopping expedition and we haven't even hit the outlet mall yet! At this point, I am thinking that I really should have brought another friend with me! Ya, that's right I should have brought the Captain! After yesterday, the Captain travels with me at all times! He has become my faithful sidekick and goes wherever I go! Nik and the Captain...yup, that's us!

Next stop...Park City Outlet Mall!!! This is where the rant starts! This is where I shake my head at the stupidity of some people. What in the hell are those stupid, artsy, fartsy, have to drive in a circle instead of just turning left things before you enter the outlet mall? It's like someone thought it would be neat to have a big round concrete structure with pretty plants and flowers to drive around. I am not here to look at the scenery! If I want scenery, I will drive into the mountains. Or, if you really want your flowers, put them at the side of the road, they don't need to be in the middle of the road. As I am driving around the circle (enjoying the scenery) I notice it...he is there every time I come here...he hasn't moved...and he looks ridiculous...the big, red moose welcoming me into the shopping center! I am not even going to start about the stupid, red moose because that could take up a whole entire blog! I drive past Bullwinkle and head to the upper part of the mall...Old Navy, Nike, Aeropostale...her we come.

The place is packed. People are everywhere. There must have been a soccer tournament somewhere because I have never seen so many soccer players in my life! They were everywhere! I thought it might have been an invasion of some sort, but they were all kids and their parents seemed to be spending a lot of money, so I knew I was probably safe. As I drove to the upper part of the mall, and this is where it gets good, this is where you will find stupidity at its finest, I notice yellow caution tape roping off the parking lot. The parking spaces are empty. You cannot park in the upper lot (well they had a few where you could park, but of course they were all full). So, now we have to drive around the parking lot and back down to the lower lot to find a parking spot.

Here is my bitch...The mall was packed! When do most people do their back-to-school shopping? When? What did I hear you say? Oh did you say August? Ya, that's what I would have said too! So, who is the complete moron that decided that August would be a great time to re-surface a parking lot? Let's choose one of the busiest shopping months of the year and resurface the parking lot, making hundreds of parking spaces unavailable. Great idea dumb ass! You are probably the same person who thought the artsy, fartsy, circly thing would be cute huh? Jackwagon!

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind walking. I have no problem walking around the mall, but I do have a problem with having to carry giant shopping bags throughout the mall. We finally found a parking space, walked up to the upper part of the mall, did some shopping and headed back down. I know I just gave you a really short version of what took hours, but basically it was people shoving people, people tearing through clothing like they were starving Ethiopians looking for a morsel of food. I couldn't believe how they just left things in shambles. There were clothes on the floor, piles of items that were folded at one time and now had been thrown in a heap on a table. Kids running through the store unsupervised! This is the biggest bitch I have! If you aren't going to watch your kids, then leave them at home! Now, I obviously love kids or I wouldn't have the job that I do. But, holy shit, there must have been a brat convention to go along with the soccer invasion!

We made our way down to the lower part of the mall and stopped in at Famous Footwear. I always buy the kids school shoes at Famous because every August they have a buy one got one half. We walk in and it is ZOO! People everywhere. We had to hurdle a girl trying on shoes in the doorway! I found a sales girl and asked her if they were having a BOGO. Without making eye contact she says, "No, we don't do BOGO's because we are an outlet store. If you want a BOGO, you can shop online or go to Salt Lake." Usually, I would have come back with a smart ass comment, but I was tired and by the looks of the store, she had probably had a rough day and was more than likely expecting me to make some bitchy comment. I had the kids do an about face and we headed out the door. Luckily, the girl trying on shoes had moved and we didn't have to use our mad hurdling skills again!

After walking for what seemed like hours, we could finally see the car again! Sam and Michael took the bags to the car while Gabby and I went into Claires. Claires was, by far, the best part of the day. You see, Gabby has not been aloud to wear earrings for a really long time. When she had her ears pierced, she had an allergic reaction to the earrings and developed really thick scar tissue in her earlobes. We took her to a plastic surgeon who got rid of most of the scar tissue, but she can't ever wear earrings again (the likelihood of it happening again is too great). Anyway, we found some really cute clip on earrings. She tried on her earrings in the car and was so excited. The smile on her face made everything else we had been through during the Park City shopping trip from Hell well worth it!

Michael didn't share our excitement for the earrings. "Because Gabby is a girl, mom thinks she needs accessories! What's the big deal about accessories anyway? Claires is the dumbest store ever!"

As we pulled out of our parking space, I was happy that my daughter was so thrilled with her earrings. I was also happy to be going home. I looked in the rear view mirror at Gabby trying on another pair of earrings; smiling from ear to ear...then I saw him...that stupid, ugly, holding a shopping bag, giant, red moose...the days events flooded my mind, playing over and over like a movie...as I changed lanes, cutting off the asshole who wouldn't let me get over...which was kind of funny because I am driving a Ford Excursion. You're driving a Prius...I am switching lanes, whether you let me or not...You can choose to be courteous or I can total your car...I am bigger than you, I have insurance, and I have had my fill of inconsiderate people today...he hit his brakes when I moved over into the other lane...Good choice jackass!

We are almost out of the parking lot! Thank God! I can get back to my little town where there is less traffic, less crowds, and no stupid artsy, fartsy, circly things or giant read moose staring at me. With Gabby still looking at her earrings, and Michael bitching about accessories, I slowly and rather meanly, gave that ugly, red, I-hope-you-enjoyed-your-shopping-trip-come-back- again, stupid looking moose the finger! "Kiss my ass moose! This shopping center sucks! You won't see me again! I have learned my lesson! Ogden is the place for me! I hope you meet up with a really angry hunter someday, asshole! Oh, and another thing, do you know how many people laugh and say that they know God has a sense of humor because of the way you look?"

Yup...Uh huh! I told him what's up! For those of you keeping score...Me: one! Ugly, red moose: ZERO!

Back to School

Well, it is official, tomorrow is my first meeting of the school year. I think it has something to do with Phonics. You'd think I would know what the topic of the meeting is huh? Truth is, I haven't really thought about it. This summer has gone by so quickly. In three short weeks, I must go back to work. I have meetings before then, but three weeks is when I officially start; the date listed on my contract.

I have the absolute best job in the world! Vacations and summers off with my kids! Just kidding! That really has nothing to do with why I became a teacher and why I love my job so much. You see, teaching isn't a job (and not trying to sound corny or cliche here), it is a passion, it is a part of me; something I know in my heart I am supposed to do. I think that if you were to ask a teacher, a good teacher, why they went into this profession, you would get a similar answer. We don't do it for the pay or because it is such an easy job! I always get quite offended when I hear people say what an easy job being a teacher is. Really?

My contract states that I have to be at school from 8:30 a.m. to 3:55 p.m. daily. (don't quote me on those hours, I could be a few minutes off) I do not know very many teachers that leave the building before 4:30 p.m. every day. I also know a lot of us that spend time at school on the weekends. We spend time at home in the evenings preparing lessons, grading papers, working on report cards. I am not mentioning this to get a pat on the back or to brag about the extra hours I put in. I am merely trying to illustrate that the average teacher puts in a lot of extra hours outside of school.

For me, it is impossible to teach my group of kindergartners for 175 days and not become attached to them. I learn so much about them and get to know them so well. I know when something is bothering them. I know what worries them, frightens them, excites them, makes them happy and what makes them sad. I learn a lot about their homes, their parents, their siblings, their family. I always try to remember to tell parents that I will only believe half of what I hear about them, if they will only believe half of what they hear about me! haha! I have heard some pretty funny stories! I have lost sleep about the student who doesn't want to go home at the end of the day because school is where he feels safe, school is the only stability in his life. I give a hug and the reassurance that I will be there tomorrow. You see, I am not just a teacher. I am a nurse, a protector, a second mom, a cheerleader, a bug killer, a singer, a comedienne, an actress, a friend and for some kids, the only stable thing they can count on each day.

I love being a teacher and will not settle for being an okay teacher or a mediocre teacher. Hell, I won't even settle for being a good teacher. I want to be a GREAT teacher.

I have always been hard on myself. I have always pushed myself to be perfect. I remember learning to jump rope. I cannot even begin to estimate the number of hours I stayed outside in the backyard practicing over and over again until I could do it! I recall hours and hours at the batting cages working on my hitting, endless hours of fielding ground balls, sitting on the floor at home setting a volleyball above my head, over and over, until I had it right! I have always been this way. Driven. Determined. Ambitious.

These three traits can be good, but they can also lead to hospitalization in a mental institution. Because let's face it folks, no matter how hard I work or how hard I try, I will never be perfect. It isn't possible. Despite knowing this, it is what I strive for. Before you ask, NO I have never been institutionalized! LOL

I am always wanting to improve. If I feel I am weak in an area, I will seek out someone better than me and I will find help. I know that there is always room for improvement and I can always grow as a teacher. Don't get me wrong, when I do something well, I can acknowledge it, but I always know that something can be better.

If I ever get to a point in my teaching career that I feel I have learned it all and I am as good as I can be, it is time to move on. There will never be a time when I know all that there is to know. I will always learn and always grow.

So, as I sit here thinking about the upcoming school year, I am excited. Excited to meet my new kinders, excited to start another year, excited to work with two of the most wonderful women in the world on a daily basis, and excited to start fresh; to put last year away and move on. This year will be better. It is already better than last year. At this point last year, I had recently buried my dad and was finding out that I was going to have a difficult and painful surgery that would take me about 8 months to recover from. So, I am already ahead of the game (knock on wood) and looking forward to starting fresh.

Aspen Elementary Kindergarten 2011-2012...her we come...LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!!

Standing Up For Me

I have always been the type of person to avoid confrontation. I will avoid an argument or an uncomfortable situation at all costs, when it has to do with me. I'm not good at standing up for myself or stating my opinion. Now, keep in mind this is only when it directly involves me. You mess with my family, especially my kids, and I will unleash. That's when momma bear comes out to protect and believe me, it ain't always pretty. Just ask some of the staff members at Evanston Middle School! hahahaha!

Well, somehow that kind of changed this past week. I have to say that although the confrontation I had makes me somewhat sad, I am extrememly proud of myself for standing up for me, stating my opinion and for refusing to be put down and walked on. I do not need to get into details over what happened; that can stay private, but something changed in me this past week. I learned that there is no shame in stating what I believe, in stopping someone from making me out to be someone I am not, in standing up for ME! I bet my mom is dancing in circles with her cigarette and coke shouting, "YES! IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME!"

You see, I am a lot like my mom in this area. She was the same way. She wouldn't really stand up for herself, but if you messed with one of her kids or grandkids, you'd better run, run as fast as you can and never look back because she's coming, she's coming after you, not like some crazed, psychotic lunatic, (well I have to admit, there were times that she could look like a crazed, psychotic lunatic. Ask Alan about the time he was in the car accident! LMAO!) but like... its hard to explain...Here is a great example...

One time when my parents were watching Josh while I was out shopping, someone threatened to take him out of the house. My mother, very calmly said, "pick up that baby, and you will be dead before you get to the door." I can picture it and I can hear her voice. It would have been very frightening. She wouldn't have sounded angry, she wouldn't have raised her voice. You see, it was not a threat; she was stating a mere fact of what would happen. I don't think anybody in the room doubted for one second that what she said wasn't true. I know the person at the house didn't doubt it for a second because Josh was left on the floor as this person quietly exited the house.

To me, this is ten times scarier than her crazed lunatic personality. She remained calm. No anger, no tension. She just matter of factly stated what would happen; showing little emotion...

My mom has been gone for almost six years and there are days when I feel like she is so far away and days when I feel her so close to me. This past week, I have felt her presence a lot. I know that she would be so happy that I have finally learned to ALWAYS follow my gut in situations where I am uncomfortable. I know that she is smiling at the fact that I stood up for myself and spoke my mind (one of the few times in my life). And I must admit, it felt really good.

I hope that I can remember how good this feels. I want my daughter to see that it's okay to speak your mind and stand up for yourself when you feel you are being personally attacked. My dad always told me to avoid confrontation at all costs."Confrontation is bad!" he used to always say. I do try to avoid confrontation, but there are times when a confrontation is unavoidable. It is not okay to be someone's verbal punching bag! It is not okay to let someone put you down! It is okay to stand up for yourself! It is okay to put someone in his/her place if they need it.

I am Nikki Snow...HEAR ME ROAR!!! hahahahahahaha!!!!